“unstable emotions”

I say I’m so happy, and the world gets smaller
Like it knows I’m finally breathing
Free from the blinding grey screams
Of a depressive
A manic
A borderline type
I say I’m drowning, and the long list
That’s built inside me
Of all the things I want
The things I desire, holding me hostage
Like a failure
Unable to complete one simple thing.
Living stuck in the mud in the middle
Of either end, doesn’t help,
Only makes me long for either end of the light
And dark
The dark
I hate the dark, alone in a bed alone in my bed with my thoughts
Wondering if you like me, why don’t you like me
Enough. To tell me I’m enough.
Over and over again.
Feed me with the reassurance that I’m perfect.
Feed me with the attention I require.
Feed me by never telling me I’m too much.
I’m too much.

samrosey sig

the strangers

Dying in the face of insolence, and abuse is easy. The words crash into me familiar. The sounds and faces of my makers, all the same.

Remembering that I am better than that, remembering what I am is harder.

Ten faces, ten different ways to tell me I’m nothing. I believe them all.

One stranger, one way to bring me back to life, means everything. And I’m only now beginning to believe he might be real.

He was tall, and wore big boots. He seemed foreign, a different kind of species. His hair was messy and wild like an animal. His eyes piercing blue like ice. Like rules they must abide by.

He held his hand out, pronouncing words that meant things would be okay, this day would be alright.

He helped me to my feet, and we walked across the grass. He didn’t speak, not until he could form the words without the anger.

“I like your hair.” He said.

I touched my hair, the black flower sticking out to the side, now crumpled, and pulled it out. I took his hand and dropped it into his palm.

“Thank you.”

We sat in the sun, under the tree, not really saying anything. He read a book, and I tried not to cry.

“I won’t hurt you.” He said.

 

samrosey fic