“Come with you? Now? Where?” This night is like, fast, too fast. Since Edward fell into my room unannounced up until now, as he’s asking me to leave, go with him, I have had no time to think ahead. And I still don’t. All I know is, if I don’t go, I may never know his deal. I may never learn him the way I want to. Touching or no touching. And honestly, standing here, in front of him, standing this close, his face, my mouth, his eyes, my face – searching for an answer – this moment is so full of something I’ve never felt before.
I spend my time holding on tight as I lock myself inside my mind, inside my own fantasies, torn between running and staying. Here at my family’s home, in my bedroom, I sit in this room, my real room, the room with no bed. Creamy hollow lights blend with the earth of my outside. I’ve found what it is to be a monster, this life without the lure you hope for every day – and each day is longer than the last, waiting for what isn’t coming; the next darling to captivate me. I wish for only one treasure, and her name is Bella.
My mom just looked at me with concern, you know, if concern looks like blame. Blame for messing up their “free time.” I imagine her welcome home as”Why must you do this to yourself?” and her longing for me to be gone, out of sight, out of mind, as”This was supposed to be the time we get to do the stuff we missed out on.” All while we sit at the dinner table as nobody speaks.
“Hello.” His mouth is the most mouth I’ve ever wanted to see. I could look at it for a long time. I could want to have it and only it forever.