“unstable emotions”

I say I’m so happy, and the world gets smaller
Like it knows I’m finally breathing
Free from the blinding grey screams
Of a depressive
A manic
A borderline type
I say I’m drowning, and the long list
That’s built inside me
Of all the things I want
The things I desire, holding me hostage
Like a failure
Unable to complete one simple thing.
Living stuck in the mud in the middle
Of either end, doesn’t help,
Only makes me long for either end of the light
And dark
The dark
I hate the dark, alone in a bed alone in my bed with my thoughts
Wondering if you like me, why don’t you like me
Enough. To tell me I’m enough.
Over and over again.
Feed me with the reassurance that I’m perfect.
Feed me with the attention I require.
Feed me by never telling me I’m too much.
I’m too much.

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london part.1985

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smell your air, your food, the hidden park at the end of our street after the rain breaks the heat
beat the grey with my feet as hard as I possibly can to make a mark
i’m here taking up space, feeling this place
all around my soft body
as I cry at the thought of leaving
why are you always coming back to let me know how much I don’t deserve you
love the blue light blue of your centre
and the crowded chaos crowded peaceful chaos
at my centre
at my centre
i am wide open, a loud open grabbing with my hands
pulling at my eyelashes until I can’t close my eyes no more girl in mourning
see the red brick of the old house on the old road
down the shit lane, full of those who don’t want to remain
don’t leave me here
it’s fine. it’s okay. you got this, right?
my future in your hands, you’ve felt my might, on the days good days are alright.
I’ll be seeing you, kid.
#londontown

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ldn

 

I miss you elevator, mirrored walls and empty stalls, drunk on the city.

I miss you rainy greetings, and the seating, and the boxes full of pretty things.

I miss the silent screams, as they all walk too quickly, I get so lost in your camouflage, loudly, slowly.

I miss the lights, a thousand sights, brighter than new eyes.
I miss the crashing coffee sounds, clanking cups aloud on cold mornings, and finding shade with you in the sun.
I miss the emotional scribbling, picture-making and the click click capturing, I can’t find you now.
But I can still feel you now.

I miss your smoke, and your glamour.
I miss your grit, and your fire.
I miss the tears in the church
and the time we stood on the corner in the middle of the night, waiting.
I miss my…self, I knew who I was then.
I miss you now, I found who I was then.

 

samrosey fic

The Disembodiment of Sally…Sam

The need for a whisper as you part me.
The want for a word as you climb inside of me.

The hope for an after as you dress and leave.
The attempt to fill myself once you’ve been.

 

samrosey fic

paper towels

Tall blocks of black and holding safe. To open, to empty, and left in place.

“Where is the ladies’?”

And so I find, your playing shadows on dirt and pine.
A face I make in mirrors long, and soap so thin and almost gone.

Flashes; moving an image, of chaos and violence hidden so perversely,
I look and wait and want to run,
Wet hands, damp feet from mucky’s turn.

Quick steps, cold handles, I leave whispers of ghosts behind,
In toilets in safe houses and public places to find.

 

samrosey fic

Scarecrow

The insides of me fall out along the yellow lines of life.
The dirty bark takes me cold and biting harsh.
Pick an apple from you,
falling down lanes,
pick an apple from you,
it browns before I take a taste.
Knock the tin full of stuffing,
fill me, I’m empty don’t you see.
I wait for answers,
Won’t you just open yourself up to me?

Unstick me with your need. Needing me blue, needing me like I need you.
Not for cold nights, or even tears that always fall.
But for touches and funsies and lusty parts and all.

Dance with me in daylight or just when the never-ending won’t let up.

Tell me you’re addicted, and you crave me; that I’m known.

I need to go see the wizard, bestie!
But I’m all alone.

 

samrosey fic

kiss

To kiss 
your lips. To taste 
your mouth 
Revel in the
feel 
of this inferno
heat 
burning
this present path

(Written in response to: Painful rehabilitation from a BLissful ignorANCe addiction)

samrosey fic

No (P)oint (o)f (p)resence.

Simple synergy of your cause;
your words can’t beat,
your actions they don’t beat me.

Simple synergy affecting my life,
it’s not right,
this line of living born from your time.

Look out till tomorrow, I forgot you
Look inside today, but you’re still here.

As old as this shift in space, a tail of our time…
As old as your sorry excuses, though you’re not sorry,
you’re incapable, untraceable,
what you did is unforgivable.

Concealed in my mind for the best of days.
See I’m still reminded of your horrendous ways.

How so? You left, take it with you.
Why now? An ambush, preying upon me when I cannot see you.

I cry, scared of you, daydreaming just the memory of you.
The you that towered too tall and forceful.
The you that pounded, grounded and punished for playful,
full of hate.
You don’t know this me or what it takes.

I won’t let you have it, I am no credit to you.
I won’t let you take anything from me,
this day from now, no black, no blue.

It hurts to push me,
I’m soft to touch.
Try it just to see the best of me,
I’m fighting strong for this me now,
little by little, a lot; this much.

 

samrosey fic

daisy chains

My sound is quiet, I am still.
I cannot move, you took my will.
In the sun; apparent, as trying as ever.
Under the moon and lonely, no pill or pressure.

Heavy, projected wings that slumber,
mine apart from yours, to catch be gone, I smile under.
Wide eyes and beaming lost, to find,
an open door carriage you see, this seat inside my mind.

No moving to make me do as I please,
only your face, your dance, insight of me.
Splinters, black holes bleeding, bleeding me dry,
I look for listeners, hard on callers, calling allowing me mine.

Red Riding my Raleigh Splash, even then I think I knew,
I knew it climbing old oak trees, Polka dot crazy, creamy legs,
girl kisses and bruised knees.

 

samrosey fic